Re-contracting

Last year around this time of the year I got my re-contracting papers. I signed it upon receiving it. When I first came to Japan I promised myself, short of the students SETTING ME ON FIRE, I was going to stay for two years. I knew I could not do everything in a year, and in reality at the time I did not really enjoy teaching or honestly the students, but I had made up my mind before hand.

This year, I have no received my papers at all....because my supervisor is a bit of a laggard on stuff like this. Regardless I know other ALT's have received these papers and I knew many people are debating this. Its amazing how many ALTs have seemingly changed their minds, or how their perspective of Japan has gotten better and better.

In some ways I feel better about my job and Japan, and in other ways, I am just worn out and can't stand it. Particularly with my job, right now I am sitting here doing nothing, and the previous week I was sitting around doing very little. I taught 4 classes last week, and I'll teach 5 classes this week. I often complain when I am busy, but never to my teachers, and somehow they seem to be giving me less and less work. Granted I theoretically do more, since I now make and grade tests consistently, but since I no longer go to second year classes, or third year classes, I have seen my previous schedule of 17 classes a week dwindle to basically nothing.

Some people would rather be happy with this, but I am starting to debate if my old schedule was better. I feel so useless and I feel the other teachers resentment since all I do is SIT HERE. I also feel the reason for me extreme derth in classes is due to the teachers feeling my lessons are a waste. And also I feel a real disconnect with my teachers, they always try to talk to me when I am a rather dour mood, and its basically my own fault for just not trying to talk to them. I suppose I could take it upon myself to do other things that in the end somehow benefit the school, but seeing as I am already in a funk I have a hard time trying to go the extra mile.

But, I love Japan on the most part. I feel like I can do so much more here. In Hawaii, I am afraid I'll just be that lazy bum I used to be. In Japan its so easy to go traveling, just up and decide to do certain things I want to just because, and I am independent. I get to decide what to eat, what curtains to buy, granted most times I eat out, and I have not changed the curtains that have been there from god knows when, but still I love the options.

Also, I am missing home and the people. Since my friend has died things seem a bit more chaotic at home. But, I feel like I've made so many friends in Japan I think and know I'll miss them a lot when I go back. It's a hard choice, I really need to think about it more, I keep on saying I 80% want to go home, but there really is a lot of me wanting to stay.....