Ugh...

Normally I write about things concerning Japan, whether it be a normal thing that has become a struggle in Japan, or usually me venting about Japan and my work. But today I will talk about something that has plagued me for a long time, that really doesn't have much to do with Japan other than the fact its happening like it always does, only now I live in Japan.

Ever since I was very young maybe in the 4th grade, so I supposed 9-10 I've been getting painful stomach pains and bloating. It was at the time very infrequent but hideously painful. Often times it would occur when I was attempting to not do my homework, and my mom would always think I was lying. But when I got older around 15 it took a turn for the worse. As I had gone from a rather lazy do nothing kid, to rather athletic, these painful stomach aches turned into combination painful stomach ache, back aches, asthma that could last for HOURS.

If that sounds horrible, well it is. Nothing seemed to help, anti-acids didn't do that trick, and even thought my back felt tight massages only seemed to make them worse, my stomach would bloat so bad I just wanted to jab myself with a knife to relieve the pressure.

Anyhow, being the stupid person I am, since it only happened perhaps once every 3 months or perhaps every 5 months, I just ignored it. Even when it got pretty bad and it was occuring about every month when I was around 20, I kinda ignored it. I just realized if I take the pain killers right away, then the muslces don't tense up. Also I realized if I just throw up I feel so much better.

I also realized along the way that it didn't seem to be high stomach acid, even though whenever I got it I would burp up painful bile. (not throw up keep in mind, literally just stomach acid and spittle) Because whenever I did throw up, I often threw up the contents of my stomach that I SHOULD have digested long ago. Sometimes if it was particularly painful, and I waited a particularly long time I could barf things I ate 2 days ago. So I assumed it was low stomach acid, of course knowing this doesn't do anything, since what could I do?

Well finally going to the doctor, he listens to what I tell him and tells me I have IBS, and to take this medicine everyday. Of course I wait till before I come to Japan, and he gives me a supply of maybe a month. Also looking up IBS on the internet, showed symptoms I didn't seem to have. So stupidly I didn't take the medicine.

Of course in Japan I sometimes get this horrible sickness, with the frequency of about every 3 months. The only crappy thing is, I can't decide to not go to work, even if I am sick till 3 in the morning rolling around in extreme pain unable to sleep due to said pain. Also painkillers that are NOT aspirin (thus just going to make my stomach pain worse) are hard to find in Japan, so I often find my strategy of "bloating! quick get the pain killers!" a fail.

So, I've been noting the things I eat that cause the pain. I already had milk and most milk products down. I'm a bit lactose, not to the point where I can't eat any milk product but enough that when I do I get that violent sickness. There is a threshold but it seems to float depending on the situation and what i am eating, so like a fool I risk it every time. Also just discovered in Japan is very oily food, I had my suspicions due to the fact when every I threw up there was a lot of oil floating in it, but I assumed that is what stomach acid looked like, but when I got really sick eating VERY oily katsu, it confirmed my suspicion.

And worse yet, the two things I love oh so much, spicy foods and mints. Yesterday, I had some cocoa from the vending machine, and unlike America which uses powdered milkd and water (which is a smidgen more bearable for me)it was made with real milk and cream. Half way through I was ready to hurl, so I put it down and just took some warm water and oolong tea (green tea seems to make it worse). It went away, so foolishly I went to eat Indian curry. Granted it was bad enough getting spiciness 30 curry when they say 10 is considered hot (the max is 50) but then I got CHEESE nan. I thought "well garlic makes me gassy, too. Another food I LOVE that I now limit)
I love cheese nan, but it was SOOO oily! Even I could barely eat it, but since it was an extra 2 dollars I decided to eat it anyhow.

My back started hurting so I decided to go to the chiropractors, though I knew that massages usually made the pain worse, I thought maybe a professional would be better? Well it wasn't and around 9 o'clock that pain started. So I took the medicine the doctor gave me (which is a preventative) and tried to grit through it. I was burping up some horrible bile (pure acid, lots of spittle and chili pepper oil) I knew it was a combo of the oil and spicyness. So I started eating mints since my throat was burning. This of course just creates more spit which as a note neutralizes my already low stomach acid.

It was painful laying down so I sat up and bummed on the internet till 12. But laying down was just horror, from 12-3 I rolled around in pain. I can scarcely remember sleeping but it was painful enough where time kinda faded away and I just rolled around going "ugh, ugh, ugh" till before I knew it, it was 3.

By this time I realized the bloating was not going to go away naturally and went to eh toilet to hurl. My body actually managed to digest most of my food, and I just threw up oil, spiciness, acid, and mint. Reconfirming what I already suspected, all the foods I love hate me.

Looking up on the internet for low stomach acid I find that alcohol can also make my stomach go wah, wah. I've given up garlic and mashed potatoes, but MINTS! AND SPICY FOODS! Ugh, I am hoping if I just do it in moderation it will help. But I had to blog on this to LAMENT the possible lose of my favorite foods in my limited diet. Oh damn you cursed body and your crappiness!

So, I am going to stay away from oily and milk foods like the plague! Hopefully the spicy will be ok, and maybe I won't be able to drink spicy sauce like I sometimes enjoy doing. (not really drinking it, but eating it with things to a ratio of 1:1) Bah, but that's half the fun!

On another note on Tuesday I started the NaNoWriMo. It's the National Novel writing Month challenge, where I have one month to write 50,000 words. I started on Tuesday which means I didn't write for about 12 days, which means I have to write about 2,777 words a day to make it. But, I don't really want to write on the weekends so I decided to write just on the weekdays, upping my total to 3,777 words a day. As of yesterday (being a day and a half from my start point) I have written 12,600 words! Granted its basically crap, but I've read samples of other peoples work and I must say at least my dialog indicates who is speaking! The plot is semi cohesive and things are actually developing in a way that somewhat makes sense. I think I am doing pretty good for a clip of over 6,000 words a day. If I can keep this up I'll be done by next week Thursday!

I hate reading as a note, and I do not like fiction. I'm mostly doing this because writing quickly and under pressure used to be the talent that got me through college. Sadly, I feel in Japan I haven't been utilizing it at all! In fact, I feel my brain is going stagnant. Where as before, whenever I got an assignment I would mull over what I wanted in my brain and then just go at it when the time came, but now I have nothing to mull over and I just note stupid things.

This bull shit thing is kind of shot in the arm I need, and a useful distraction in the boringness that is the week before and finals week. Ugh, two weeks of next to nothing!

Re-contracting

Last year around this time of the year I got my re-contracting papers. I signed it upon receiving it. When I first came to Japan I promised myself, short of the students SETTING ME ON FIRE, I was going to stay for two years. I knew I could not do everything in a year, and in reality at the time I did not really enjoy teaching or honestly the students, but I had made up my mind before hand.

This year, I have no received my papers at all....because my supervisor is a bit of a laggard on stuff like this. Regardless I know other ALT's have received these papers and I knew many people are debating this. Its amazing how many ALTs have seemingly changed their minds, or how their perspective of Japan has gotten better and better.

In some ways I feel better about my job and Japan, and in other ways, I am just worn out and can't stand it. Particularly with my job, right now I am sitting here doing nothing, and the previous week I was sitting around doing very little. I taught 4 classes last week, and I'll teach 5 classes this week. I often complain when I am busy, but never to my teachers, and somehow they seem to be giving me less and less work. Granted I theoretically do more, since I now make and grade tests consistently, but since I no longer go to second year classes, or third year classes, I have seen my previous schedule of 17 classes a week dwindle to basically nothing.

Some people would rather be happy with this, but I am starting to debate if my old schedule was better. I feel so useless and I feel the other teachers resentment since all I do is SIT HERE. I also feel the reason for me extreme derth in classes is due to the teachers feeling my lessons are a waste. And also I feel a real disconnect with my teachers, they always try to talk to me when I am a rather dour mood, and its basically my own fault for just not trying to talk to them. I suppose I could take it upon myself to do other things that in the end somehow benefit the school, but seeing as I am already in a funk I have a hard time trying to go the extra mile.

But, I love Japan on the most part. I feel like I can do so much more here. In Hawaii, I am afraid I'll just be that lazy bum I used to be. In Japan its so easy to go traveling, just up and decide to do certain things I want to just because, and I am independent. I get to decide what to eat, what curtains to buy, granted most times I eat out, and I have not changed the curtains that have been there from god knows when, but still I love the options.

Also, I am missing home and the people. Since my friend has died things seem a bit more chaotic at home. But, I feel like I've made so many friends in Japan I think and know I'll miss them a lot when I go back. It's a hard choice, I really need to think about it more, I keep on saying I 80% want to go home, but there really is a lot of me wanting to stay.....