Wow

So its been awhile. A lot has happened in this month that I have been inactive. I went to Kobe on a re-contracting trip, basically I am paid to dick around and listen to really boring pretty useless lectures. (But there were a few gems that I felt were totally worth it) I've had some of the worst classes I have ever had as a teacher. Including a 2 hour death lesson where the teacher surprised me by completely leaving the class up to me for the two hours and sat down with the students taking notes. I had an hour lesson plan assuming she would teach them for an hour, but NO! Just two hours of me dying the kids hating the lesson and etc.

Also me and my first years have not been meshing. I've been trying to be more serious and actually teach them "complicated" things. To which other ALT's insist are things they should have learned in middle school, but of course my students just land up staring at me with blank faces, while I strugle vainly with hand motions. The kids completely don't understand and I get frustrated. And eventually break down and tell the teacher to translate. (Something I LOATHED to do, but recently found that was not only the only way to get them to participate but also because I was too tired to make the effort) But today things came to ahead.

I've been feeling akward in class lately and today I realized why. The kids are unnervingly quiet in class and thats strange for me. They are either dead quiet when I'm talking which makes me FIGHT to bring the energy up, which merely confuses them. And when they get loud I get angry because they are normally getting loud about unrelated to class things (because they don't understand the lesson at all). Or the entire class is dead silent for the entire hour and by the end of the day I feel completely wiped out trying my best to keep them amused enough to stay awake. But actually I've been telling them from the beginning to be quiet and just listen, so it was like some sort paradigm.

So, today my first class was REALLY loud and active. But I didn't mind at all. They were participating and talking and some kids were not understanding, and to be honest I made a few mistakes but the class had a rhythm and I enjoyed it, the kids seemed to as well. I actually do not mind when the kids are kinda loud and every so often I have to tell them " BE QUIET" But at least they were talking about the lesson and smiling.

I was trying to be more strict with my students ala Matt, then I tried to make more lessons more structured like Yamato's. (Take a subject and teach it to the class while they sit there periodically coming to the board, which may not be her teaching stye just what she did that instance I went) I was going out away from the style I had built up last year because I did not feel it was best for my students.

But you can only fight yourself for so long. Today I enjoyed the lessons (well more like compared to the other HORROR ones I've been having lately) and I should have another good class (knock on wood) its a class similar to the previous one. While this will not mean that my classes will go from now on, I won't try to force someone else's idea of what a good lesson is on to myself. While maybe its not the best formula to teaching these kids, trying to reach some impossible idea is just wearing me out. And its making me frazzled all the time, I've been very emotional and I am a person who DOES NOT LIKE BEING EMOTIONAL. So, I'm going to go with this slightly chaotic class format, with us jumping to various activities and some kids getting a little confused. But its alot better than Kristen getting angry, the students being really confused and scared, and maybe the JTE's will be struggling to keep up, at least they won't have a Kristen DREADING classes and fearing school.

On another not my parents are coming soon, I am somewhat fearful.... Also while I have come upon this revelation I am still unsure what to teach the students...hopefully thing will fall into place soon enough. I think I may teach them about travel, it should tie in nicely with my next semesters project (knock on wood AGAIN) With this I think I do have the energy to continue with English club. I feel suddenly energized, even more so than when I came back from Kobe. (Where I was energized but still unsure of myself) I can do this......I CAN!

Also I have finally finished oral testing! I have lunches and after schools back! YAY~! (I've been not eating lunch and staying to school to 5:30-6:30 every day, basically at least an hour over time to over 2 hours overtime everyday.)

I also may write more, as days I felt like writing just depressed me too much, I felt insecure and just primed for a BITCH-fest if I had to write. So now hopefully things will go well, but of course there is never a guarantee, so expect bitching! Such is the lot of an ALT.