IM CRAZY

After telling almost every teacher for a year, I'll GO TO ANY CLASS! I'm SO BORED! GIVE ME THINGS TO DO! Teachers have started complying. With various business trips and mid-terms in between, I've been extra busy. As some supervising people have been real shitty with keeping tabs on my schedule and as a result I've had to Jam an entire weeks worth of lessons in to 3 days. I taught "only" three classes today, and will teach 5 tomorrow, and I taught 4 the day before. Fun!

Also I have for some reason agreed to forgo my lunch times and to stay late possibly past 6 (2 hours after I my work day ends) to proctor listening exams. Wait did I say proctor? I mean give them, evaluate them and basically do all the work. And since I am not actually their teacher, nor will it fit in my schedule to actually go to their class, I have to jam 40 students in between my lunch and after school for about two weeks...Lately I've been feeling like a real teacher.

The problem with me becoming more like a real teacher is I haven't really been an ALT to the kids. My lessons have been down right boring (difficult and educational), and instead of me randomly bugging students and being jolly with them, I've been getting irritated at their sloppy work and loudness. I've been less tolerant of them going crazy, and getting down on students with bad attitudes.

Before I felt the most important thing was to be nice to even bad students and win them over with kindness. But, this year I am trying to really teach them things, really get them to improve and really I just can't let them run wild and distract the other students, which happened a lot last year.

In some ways I think it can work, but in other ways its making me re-evaluate what it means to be an ALT. A lot of times I swear we are just dancing monkeys for them, and while I'm certainly not a human tape recorder, I am becoming just another Japanese teacher. Its really kinda sad and daunting, but I can't just let them run wild and let them have fun like before. Especially for the third years, who I am teaching with A LOT! I feel bad that some of them who would smile and be happy to see me have just been giving me perfunctory greetings.

But, I am hoping something ANYTHING I teach them will help them. But really I am unsure it is, because even though teachers tell me my students level is not bad (and recently I am even beginning to believe them) its just too difficult to learn grammar points and complex English rules with NO Japanese equivalent or translation. I sometimes feel I am talking into walls, or just boring the students into TEARS... I don't think I am filling them with more love of English, but reinforcing the fact that English is hard and boring. BAH!

Though I have been working like a teacher, and doing all the things regular teachers do, in the end I am not a teacher. These are the first third lessons I have had to give, and they are the first grammar lessons I have had to give, the first oral tests, the first essay tests, and I am DAMN unsure of myself.

Also since I am really busy grading things and doing things for the third years I have not been to a single second year class! I really miss those second year kids, when they see my in the halls ways they are really surprised and seem happy. (Not all of them keep in mind, but quite a few I got along with well) But I am usually walking to another class, or walking toward the teachers room to prepare for another class. So I don't talk to them even thought I wish I could. And while they are second years I feel that it's still OK to go to their class and let them have SOME fun. (Since hey their classes are boring and I swear ANYTHING I teach them would be better than what some of the other second year teachers teach...)

I thought getting more work and being more serious would increase my job satisfaction and bring down boredom. However, now days even when I have things to do I feel bored the second I have down time, BUT when I have my days jam packed I am frazzled and easily irritated. I just can't seem to win! Sadness...

On a very happy note, I met one girl in the first year who is PAINFULLY SHY! She would not even sit down near other students without me specifically guiding her. And when I started my introduction game she sat down by herself not doing anything. So I went to her to talk and suddenly other students started talking to her to ask her questions (you need to ask as many people as you can to win) and they seemed to know how shy she was and initially avoided her. However, she was soon laughing and talking with alot of students. At the end of class she still walked out by herself, but when I talked to her and asked her some questions she actually answered me. And I was happy, she seemed to have a good time.

Sadly, her class is annoying, and they have some boy students with really bad attitudes who talk shit about me as I walk by, and refuse to listen and stop talking when I am explaining the lesson. There are some girls who are really into the game but then they also won't shut up. Basically it's a loud and somewhat unruly class and they get me the most frazzled and irritated. Especially the shit talking boys, it's to the point where I can't wait to leave just so I can turn to them and mouth off in Japanese, I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING YOU SAID YOU LITTLE SHIT HEADS!

Ugh, what happened to the days when I could just laugh it off!!! I used to just go oh, silly children! BAH!