Decided

Today after another typical day at work I think I've truly decided on what I will do. I am going home, with out a doubt. I have another six months, and knowing that days like these will not be uncommon, I feel I have had enough.

I am just tired of teaching. I do not have that great of a relationship with my other teachers, and there are just too many kids who make this job terrible. Once again kids were teasing me in class, and before class. You'd think after about over a year of it, I'd be pretty used to it..... but no.

It's rather sad as there are a handful of kids who I really like in that class of horror, but the horrible students who just sit there laughing at me the ENTIRE class makes me just want to die. The teacher has no control over the kids, as they often laugh at him to. And though I often try to let the comments slid, I am really just fed up.

I do feel like I have made some progress as that class used to be so bad it was truly painful. I'd dread going in, but now days I've managed to get a few kids to stop talking and try The worse part is that there are good kids there, it's just the strong kids in that class have bad attitudes and the class will generally follow that said mood.

Some kids in that class somehow actually like me, when I told them I may go back in August they told me, no. And when I told them another alt would come, they still told me no. While that was nice the fact that about 7 kids will just make fun of me to my face is horrible. They have even figured out I speak Japanese to some capability, so teasing me in my presence is obviously to get me angry. Of course I don't in front of them, though I wonder what the hell I am supposed to do? I can't really do much but get angry at them, I can't really punish them.

I have asked some kids what they said in front of me once, to which they will then refuse to repeat it. And honestly I do not want to repeat what they said to me. And once they drew an offensive picture of me and then they refused to show it. It was 10 minutes of the actual teacher trying to get it from the student, who then ripped up the paper. That teacher did nothing to punish the student... I guess I am just going to suck it up till the end of the year when I can just finally go home.

On another note, I finished the NaNoWriMo! Woooo!! I started on the 12th, wrote for 5 days in a row, then took a two day break, wrote one more day before actually needing to work, then couldn't write for 7 days! Basically after keeping a pace of about 5,000 words a day, I was up to 30,000 words but I had two days to write 20,000 words! The first day wasn't a big problem as I had few classes, but on Friday I not only had 3 classes, but I had to climb my schools mountain, then go to a welcome party! I basically had 3 hours to write 10,000 words! But through bull shit and crazy I managed it, and finished the story!!!!! Obviously at that clip I am not exactly writing quality but it's.... generally coherent.

I am happy I can still manage to do some really insane things. I am happy that I have not completely forgotten how to write.

On even more notes, winter has finally come and I am nursing a mean cold. I actually had to walk out of class because I could not stop coughing for a FULL THREE MINUTES. I actually walked back in at the half way point only to realize I could still not manage to talk without coughing. Crazy times.

And seeing as this blog has not been really tied together with anyone particular theme, I'm going to go off on something that has been bothering me of late. I've been thinking about my future and though I am doing a lesson on my student's dreams and future job prospects I find it amusing that I myself am still at a complete lose. I often feel this is a result of a childhood where I was constantly told I could do anything, ANYTHING. But given little more guidance on to what factors would be most important in decided what exactly I was going to do.

It seems in America we are given such broad options, and big dreams we often reach for things that are not sensible. You want to be an Astronaut? GREAT! A LAWYER, GREAT! How's about being a little more realistic, parents and teachers of America?

Alternatively in Japan my students have already narrowed their choices so much, I can see why they have a very difficult trying to decide on their future when many teachers have already limited them to a handful of blue collar jobs. I actually had about ten gasoline stand workers, in the section "my dream".

In so many ways I feel that America's you can do anything if you try is misguided as it sets a lot of people up for a bitter reality (I mean seriously 50% drop out rate in college, shouldn't that be a wake up call?) But the alternative that is Japan is so harsh, for kid's at age 15-16 to be SO realistic is quite sobering.

Not that all the kids were completely realistic, I actually had more "rich-girl/rich-man" dreams than gasoline stand worker. But I had NO doctors, although there were about 20 nurses. There was ONE veterinarian, but about 10 pet shop workers. And the most popular future profession/dream: Hair Stylists, and House wife.

I want to tell the students anything is possible, but really, with the class of horror just talking and laughing in their seats, I really had to wonder if they could go for some of the jobs I had written down. And when I saw options such as Gasoline Stand worker, I did not really question them. Have my opinions changed? Have I lost hope for my students? I truly hope not, but I am beginning to see how I have become so jaded in opposition to the system. I always put on a smile but do the students know, I only smile to prevent myself from crying.